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Text Box: “How to give a Cat or
Dog a pill”

MEMO: How To Give A Cat A Pill



Text Box: <Return to Animal Quotes

 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle

cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly

with left hand. Force jaws open and push

pill to back of mouth with right  forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and

cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse

from garden.


 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down and remove ruler following with rubbing cat's throat vigorously.


 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse

to lie on cat with head just visible from below

armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force

mouth open with pencil and blow down

drinking straw.


 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat

with elastic band.


 1) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back

another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


 12) Call fire department to

retrieve *#*@!*# cat from tree

across the road. Apologize to

neighbor who crashed into fence

while swerving to avoid cat. Take

last pill from foil-wrap.


 13) Tie the little bastard's front

paws to rear paws with garden

twine and bind tightly to leg of

dining table, find heavy-duty

pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large

piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and

pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


 14) Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


 MEMO: How To Give A Dog A Pill....


1)Wrap it in bacon.  Take a deep

Breath ...done!





 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in

right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.